Just over a year ago, Health Canada made a sudden and heinous decision to ban poppers.
For those of you pretending not to know, poppers are an inhalant that kind of smells like Jack Daniels. They come in small bottles with cute names like Rush and Bolt and Z-Best. You open the bottle, take a sniff, and for the next 30 seconds you get a massive head rush, but more importantly, they open up the ass. Yes, I said it. Poppers make it easier to bottom. They loosen the sphincter muscle and allow for the insertion of large – hopefully large - objects into the anal cavity.
Poppers were developed over 160 years ago by a physician to treat angina. Then back in the disco era, some fan dancer took a hit and went wild on the dance floor, and gay men and other party people have been using poppers ever since and there’s been no problem. But now, Health Canada, those fucktards, have decided to come down hard on the popper community. They were removed from the shelves overnight, and retailers were threatened with prison sentences.
We’ve already seen the repercussions. Priape, for instance, lost so much money from the poppers ban that they went bankrupt. Oh, and it got worse. Bathhouse attendance has plummeted. Dark rooms are now bright. Glory holes are now just holes. It’s a gaypocalypse. All this is going to do is drive the popper trade underground.
So how did this happen? My guess? Some wag decided to file a complaint. I’ll bet it was big pharma. They’re behind ever shitty thing on earth anyway. They don’t want to have to compete with the magic that is poppers. They probably have been developing their own asshole-opening drug and want to clear the marketplace for it.
What exactly was the danger anyway? No one was dying from popper overdoses. Oh, I guess it might be possible to pass out from overuse, though if it has never happened to me, then it probably can’t happen at all. In fact, poppers are safer than cigarettes, alcohol, cars, or bungee jumping, yet none of that shit is banned by Health Canada. Why? Because Health Canada wouldn’t dare stand up to the tobacco industry, or the automobile industry, or even the bungee cord industry.
We all know what this is, don’t we? It’s the war on bottoms. Health Canada does not want us to enjoy anal sex. They want our assholes to stay clenched. I suggest all the bottoms in Canada get together for a class action lawsuit, but it might be hard to get bottoms to come forward, as they’re so passive. So instead, tonight, I suggest a counter proposal. If all it takes is for someone to fill out a Canada Vigilance Adverse Reaction Reporting Form, then we should fill it out demanding that Health Canada ban bubble gum. Why not, it’s as dangerous.
And ultimately, where is the outrage in our community? Where are the scathing editorials, and the protest marches? No one but me seems all that upset about it, but that just makes me even more vigilant. Let me declare here and now that from now on I wish to be known as Paul Bellini, Poppers Activist! If you’re not with me, you’re against me.