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My Gay Toronto - Bellini's 8 1/2

The Man Who Would Be King:
Trumpocalypse Now


Donald Trump is popular because he says really obvious things. When he says something like “I don’t like the look of this," or “This is going to be really, really bad,” it’s almost like my grandmother is running for president. Donald Trump has the wisdom of a daffy senior who frowns at local news. And yes, my grandmother would make a better president. 

Donald Trump, The Man Who Would Be King is a new book by Darwin Porter and Danforth Prince of Blood Moon Productions. It is massive, a 766 page exploration of the life and times of America’s favorite bullshitter. It is never less than fascinating. The DPs have a way of digging up the most arcane information from both the news media and the tabloids. Did you know that a guy named Fernando Sosa from Florida created a Trump Butt Plug? “I like the mental picture of Donald going into people’s asses,” he said. 

It’s all here in this one big book. The fights with Leona Helmsley, Rosie O’Donnell and Merv Griffin. The three hot wives and the five entitled kids. The courtship of Lady Di. The golf courses, the casinos, the hotels, the TV appearances, the magazine covers, the beauty pageants, all the failed businesses and that pathetic university. There’s even that legendary Scott Baio tweet that shows Hillary Clinton posing in front of a banner reading “Count," except her head is blocking the ‘o.' There is also a picture of the mural in Lithuania depicting Trump frenchkissing Putin, and my own favourite, a lawn sign declaring “Everybody Sucks 2016 - The U.S. is doomed."

The first half of the book is biographical history. The second half details the endless election run that began over a year ago. Trump wisely appealed to idiots with his far right rhetoric, only to soften it once he was secure in his power. He’ll say anything anyone wants to hear, just to win the election. (Yet how different is that from any other candidate?) Many people are anticipating a ‘Trumpocalypse’ if he wins. Everyone should just calm down. Trump, the phony who puts profit above all else, just wants to be president for its own sake. No wall will ever be built. No problem will ever be solved. It will be four years of state dinners and sexy Melania photo ops with no real policies and no real activity. “Make America the Same Again.” Some have even suggested that he is secretly working to destroy the GOP and maybe even get Hillary elected. 

The book is timed for maximum release, just two months before the election. If you think the DPs are not fair and balanced, then you should also read their previous release, Bill & Hillary: So This Is That Thing Called Love. It’s clear that the Americans only have a choice between Godzilla or Megalon. 

However, the real nightmare will occur after November 8, when the title of the book might have to be changed to “The Man Who Actually Is King." Everybody Sucks 2016 indeed.

 


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