My Gay Toronto - Ray's Anatomy

The Not So Secret Petty Pride Police Float Proposal

The following information is classified and intended for select eyes only. Upon reading delete email, deactivate email account, destroy Acer computer provided to receive email, wash hands, walk away. Document Attached
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Events thus far: Pride Toronto, has voted to ban police floats and booths from this year's Pride Festival
(and maybe forever, since no time frame was given.) For almost a year now we have all heard the controversy and the debates for and against this move. YumEee! Industries advises that you move past it. It's a done deal. It's also a deal that can of course be reversed by the Pride Toronto membership if they so choose. Pride Toronto membership is basically open to anyone. If you want to effect change (like BLMTO has done), get up off your ass (like BLMTO did), buy a $10 membership (like BLMTO even did for people who couldn't afford one), mobilize (like the experts in BLMTO) and do something about it (like BLMTO, who will certainly try and stop you.) In the meantime, let's get petty.

Events to come: For those members of the queer community who would still like to see the police involved in this year's parade, YumEee! Industries proposes that you incorporate the po-po into your own floats. BLMTO is not officially participating in this year's parade because they claim that they are technically not an organization but a movement, a movement that is comprised of members of various other queer community groups. But because of this sly technicality, be sure that the BLMTO presence will still be strongly felt throughout the parade. And so they should; queer people of colour (POC) exist not just for this one day parade but everyday. To counter this fickle fact, invite the cops to your float. But don't just sneak them in; showcase them in a loud and proud way that is representative of your fabulous gay life.

Having attended every Pride for the last 20 years we at YumEee! Industries have reported on countless Pride parties. Our festive hat is always on, jauntily cocked to one side. Just as our political protest megaphone is always on blast, cockily critiquing that which needs it. But we also embrace controversy and exist to challenge those who think in extreme blacks and whites.

In the past we planned a Pride float where we pretended it was Christmas. Picture a festive red and green float where Santa Bear sat bare-chested on his sled as he was fawned over by twinkish elves while being pulled by nine hunky reindeer . . . in the middle of summer. Mixing things up and bringing clashing ideas together has always been more interesting to us than the typical, the usual, the boring.

This is our strength.

Since technically the police float ban is only specific to the Toronto police, we propose that your organization
create a sly police "themed" float to represent your business or group. This is what we can offer:

YumEee! Industries will design and create a replica Toronto Police Cruiser (circa 1981, or 2000) out of redwood and balsa. This will be the focal point of your float, which will be hidden inside a large wooden horse that we have named the Torontonian Horse. Trademark pending. When the time is right, as your float moves past the threshold intersection of Yonge and Bloor streets, the Torontonian Horse will automatically retract and reveal the police cruiser within. Revolving and elevating on a state of the art hydraulic system controlled remotely, it will be the envy of every jacked-up car owner. Your cruiser will be painted hot pink and will be detailed with light pink glitter paneling on the sides, hood and trunk. The hood itself will be transformed into a stripper stage complete with pole. The pole will not only fly the rainbow flag but it will be affixed with replica "Homewood" and "Maitland" street signs. The tires of your squad car, painted a high gloss glitter black, will showcase hubcaps made of rotating half mirror balls. On top, the usual red and blue emergency lights will be replaced with pink
and baby blue strobes that will pulse along to the beat of the music. A plush pimp pink fun fur interior will add a dash of street cred. Finally, to surprise your already captive audience, pink odorless non-toxic smoke scented with the fragrance of Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum will shoot out the back muffler while Diana Ross & The Supremes remixed classic, "Stop In The Name Of Love," blares out of the sound system.

Dancing around your souped-up, gayed-up cop cruiser will of course be hot guys and girls of every race in the gayest, most lawless outfits possible. These outfits will consist of glittery pink running shoes with light up soles, rainbow-coloured knee-high socks, hot pink short shorts, pink faux snake skin belts and specially designed baby pink crop-top police shirts accented with rainbow coloured lapels. To top off this traffic stopping "lewk" your faux force will sport revamped police caps accented with massive feather headpieces that would put a Vegas showgirl to shame. For accessories, gold mirrored sunglasses, brown hankies in back packets and lots of lip gloss. Of course guns will not be incorporated into this hot cop ensemble. Instead large hand fans silk-screened with the words, "Gurl Stop!" will be used to create an arresting statement.

If you decide to go ahead with this petty proposal, contact us as soon as possible so we can get out our glue guns, shake down our glitter bottle, stake out some fun fur, and steal someone's bedazzler.

It's time to put the pride into the police.

Some (like BLMTO) will say that no matter how you dress it up, at its core the institution of policing is still ugly. No matter how much frosting you add to this particular cake it's still going taste like sour milk. YumEee! Industries however believes that the police are not the latest fashion trend or an unnecessary dessert. They are a required uniform, they are a staple in our cupboard. Instead of ridding them from our wardrobe or from our diet we should be updating the pattern and insisting on better ingredients so that they better suit our fabulous lives.

Rolyn Chambers
Grande Wizard of Petty Operations, Lieutenant Minister of DisInformation*
North East District
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"After reading it to a friend I agreed that it sounded too much like it was the gay community that needed to "get along" with the c, instead  of demanding that they change more to suit us....