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My Gay Toronto - Ray's Anatomy

How to lie about your age (successfully)

by Rolyn chambers

25

As the years go by you may choose, for whatever reason, to alter your age. But, if you do there are ten rules to follow, and some factors to take into consideration, before you magically become 21 again.

1) Future contact (-3 to -10)
If you do not plan to see the person with whom you are lying to again (because the sex was so bad or because you're a whore), take off up to ten years. If you want to see them again (because the sex was so hot or because their wallet was so thick), take off a maximum of three years. If the planets align and you somehow end up in a relationship with this person, reveal your true age no earlier than six months into your courtship. If they question your sudden age increase, tell them that it was they who heard you wrong because either a) the club was so loud, b) they were so drunk/high, or c) sound doesn't travel that well, when they were down on their knees.


2) Their alcohol/drug consumption (-3 to -10)
If the person you are lying to has had more than three drinks or has ingested, snorted or smoked any sort of drug, take off up to three years. If they are unable to stand up without assistance or mistake you for pony, take off up to ten years. Their judgment is already fucked so take full advantage of the situation. And them.


3) Your alcohol consumption (+1 to +2)
If you have consumed more than three drinks, put back on a year. If you have consumed more than six drinks put back on two years. Alcohol bloats and reddens the face. And though we tend to believe we are so adorable, one tends to make rather unattractive faces when under the influence.


4) Your drug consumption (+1)
If you have snorted, ingested or smoked any sort of drug, put back on a year. Though you may feel young and pretty on your drug of choice, you may in fact look constantly paranoid, hyper, spaced out or just plain fucked up. Constant teeth grinding, jaw clenching, tongue chewing, eye twitching and sniffing ain't attractive.


5) Personal appearance (-2 to +1)
If you have kept yourself in good shape, take off up to two more years. If your gym membership card is married to that unused, expired condom that has been in your wallet for the last few years, put back on a year.


6) Season (-3)
If it's Spring or Fall, take off up to three years. These are the best seasons for your skin. Winter dries you out and summer makes you oily. Beware: wrinkles will become highly visible during these times. Suggestion: hibernate in the winters and constantly spritz yourself with Naya H2O spray during the summers.


7) Time of day (-1 to +2)
If it's after 12 noon or before midnight take off an additional year. This is called the Peak Phaux Period. If it's before or after these times, put back on two years. No one really looks their best before brunch and a long day of gravity doing what it does best will begin to take its toll after midnight.


8) Lying locale (-2 to +1)
If the location where you are lying is dimly lit, like a club, take off two more years. Break light bulbs as necessary. If you are outside during the day and not under shade, put back on a year. Mother Nature is beyond your control.


9) Voice over (-1 to +1)
If you're a smoker whose voice sounds like Harvey Feinstein put back on a year. If the only thing that's gone down your throat is remnants of lube (which holds moisture), take off a year.


10) Hole looseness (-2 to +5)
If you have kept your box tight, take off up to two years. If you find it difficult to sit on small chairs without getting them stuck, put back on five years.  Perhaps invest in some rejuvenation surgery.

Get out your calculator.
Add it up.
Whatever you get is okay.
Remember, age is but a number.

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