Are you having a hard time this semester? Have no idea what the fuck is going on in that Calculus, Physics, Poli Sci or Pole Dancing class? Not to worry. Just insert this handy dandy 5-Day RolynSays A-Plus Guide into your recently purchased student handbook (right between the "How To Be Really Popular on Campus" section and the "Sexual Harassment Policy") and you'll be acing that course in no time.
DAY ONE CLOTHING: Bathrobe (optional). ACTION PLAN: Don't show up for class. Create a little suspense. Even if your prof doesn't know he's being kept in suspense yet.
DAY TWO CLOTHING: Button up denim shirt, baggy drawstring sweat pants, sweaty jock strap, Timberland boots. ACTION PLAN: Arrive 15 minutes late, shirt unbuttoned, sweat pants worn revealingly low, allowing your jockstrap to show just a little. Rush into the lecture room, breathing hard, wiping sweat of your heaving chest. Act is if you'd just run a mile to make it to his class. Sit at the back of the room. After class approach your prof. Apologize for being late. Tell him that you were pumping iron at the gym and lost track of the time. Suggestively finger the elastic band of your jockstrap. Hold your borrowed textbooks (don't buy them, you won't need to actually use them) to your side so they will not block prime viewage of your crotch.
DAY THREE CLOTHING: Snug fitting, faded, button-fly Levi's 501 jeans, a snug logo'd Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt, Penguin runners ACTION PLAN: Arrive on time for class. Sit in the front row. Pick a seat that will allow your prof to get a good look at you. Keep your legs spread wide during his lecture. Occasionally adjust your crotch, as if your equipment is just too darn big to be confined for sooooo long. This action is called E=MC2 (Earn my cock, its twice as big as everyone else's). After class, ask if you can help put away his big audio-visual (AV) equipment. Approach him seductively while holding the AV cord suggestively near your mouth (be careful of electrical shocks!). In a gruff breathy voice, tell him that you will do anything it takes to get extra credits. ANYTHING. Look him seductively in the eye. If you have braces, just pout. Run your fingers through your hair. If you are black with natural hair, or have very short hair . . . again, just pout.
DAY FOUR CLOTHING: Dark, very short sport shorts with wide leg room, white Joe Boxer tightie-whities with the yellow "happy face" on them, white t-shirt with a big image of red cherries on the chest, Puma runners. ACTION PLAN: Arrive early. Place a box of ripe cherries on your prof's desk with a note saying: "Don't you just love cherries? Yum!" Sit in the front row. Place one leg up on your chair, allowing you to rest your arm on your knee. Casually spread your legs at several key moments during his lecture, giving him plenty of opportunity to get an eyeful of your "happy crotch." Remember E=MC2! Pretend to be fascinated by his lecture. After class approach your prof and suggest meeting for a coffee, because you need extra help working out a really hard equation. Go to Starbucks and order a Frappuccino. They are thick and frosty and will allow you to make lots of sucking noises with your straw. Sit close to him as he goes through the difficult equation with you. Make lots of "ooohs" and "aaahhs." Start breathing heavy. Tell him that big words and large numbers really turn you on.
DAY FIVE CLOTHING: Nike tear-away track pants, no underwear, tank-top, Nike runners, Naya water bottle, book bag ACTION PLAN: Sit in the front row again, legs casually spread. In your mind (which is free from all the mathematical gibberish your prof is spewing), conjure up your hottest sexual experience. Real or fantasy. As your now growing member begins to expand, tap it lightly with a dull HB pencil. Occasionally take a swig of your water bottle, "carelessly" allowing a few precious drops to drip and wet your crotch. Sssssss! Hot! Lick your lips after each swig. Don't try and answer any questions. Lean back in your chair and stretch a lot, allowing him ample viewage of your now moist crotch. After class, explain to him that you are still having trouble with one of the topics covered. Give him the LOOK. You know . . . THE LOOK. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help you get an A. At this point, get up slowly and reach for your book-bag. With your one arm full of books, throw the book bag over your shoulder making sure that it hooks onto the top buttons on your tear-away sweat pants. (Practice this motion several times the night before). As the buttons pop open and your tear-aways drop to the floor, exposing your completely naked self, stand there looking embarrassed. (Pretend you're that little suntanned girl in the Coppertone ads and he's the dog pulling at your bathing suit.) Innocently ask your prof if he wouldn't mind pulling up your tear-aways for you, as your hands are completely full. Smile, you should have you're A in about 15 minutes. After he's had yours.
If this 5-Day Plan fails, ensure that you have previously set up a video camera in the room to catch all the action. A little smart editing and you've got some choice blackmail material.
Shoppers! How many times have you bumped into some hot guy in a club, on the street or in church and he smiles at you, saying something like, "Heeeeeyyyyy, (insert your name here)! How are you?" You smile back awkwardly as you stumble around for the right thing to say. Unfortunately for you, you have no idea, no clue, as in you're clueless (Cher and Dionne are not here to help you out either), to who this guy is. Did you do him, woo him or euw him? Keep guessing. Tick-tock, tick-tock, who knows.
Well never again! The always-helpful inventors at RolynSays bring you Fuchsia Letters! Based on the novel The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, Fuchsia Letter is a stamp, made to your specifications and designed using patented RolynSays Formula Ink. The stamp can be carved into a number, initials or even your logo (see above unretouched photo). All in a discreet neon lime green carrying case.
So next time, once you have had your way with that guy with the forgettable face but memorable ass, discretely slip out your RolynSays Fuchsia Letter stamp and brand your him gently somewhere easily viewed. Don't worry, no one can see the stamp, not even you without the aide of specially designed RolynSays Fuchsia Glasses. Stamps stays on for three to four months. Plenty of time for you to remember what's-his-name's name. Unlike Hester the main character in The Scarlet Letter, who was labeled a an adulterous tramp (but wasn't) and had to wear an letter "A" on her clothes, the stamp will also allow you to see how many other Fuchsia Stamps might be on any guy in question. So when Mr. Innocent coos sweetly, "Gee, I never go home with guys I've just met," you'll have a better idea of the truth. Hester would approve.