LETTER IN MY INBOX!

I got such a simple letter in my inbox that I just had to answer it.
“How do you know when you have found the one?” 

I’m certainly not a therapist or doctor of any kind, but all of my years of dating and therapy has at least taught me to know when I have not found the one. And now I would like to impart my own brand of wisdom to those of you who may be searching for love, or maybe trapped in the hell of a floundering relationship.

-You’ve just met and already you’ve got the squidgies, they are not the one. Romcoms tell us that we’re supposed to hate our soul mate when we first meet and then given time love will prevail…NO IT WON’T---Trust me! Trust your instincts!
- Your first drunken encounter at a bar may be great but a few days later over coffee and he’s still drunk. ….he’s not the one.
- If you have broken up 5 times or more this year, she is not the one.
- If he likes to fuck other people more than or instead of you…he is not the one.
- If she doesn’t care if you have an orgasm, she is not the one.
- If he/she tells you that your shoe-humping fantasy, doing him/her or you up the butt or on the kitchen counter, wearing freaky costumes, having a threesome, being peed on, or being the ‘peer’--- are gross, then he/she is not the one…there are plenty of peeps out there with the same kink as you, find someone else to get your freak on with . If you want to be in a committed relationship and only sleep with him/her for the next 60 years, you better have a good time in the sack. Don’t settle for anything less.
-If he keeps asking for money and never pays you back.. ever.. walk away—he’s not the one.
-She wants monogamy, you don’t? She’s not the one.
-If you find yourself only complaining about your partner, then you may want to rethink this relationship.  Of course there will be times that your girl or guy pisses you off, but I have met people who are constant complainers.. it’s all I can do to not call the partner myself and end it for them so I don’t have to listen to it anymore.

Ask yourself this…do you actually LIKE your partner? If you think not and you’re still with them, put your big girl panties on and make a change.

Sweeties, if you fundamentally want different things and you disagree on your main core truths, no amount of arguing, discussing or drunken fights in the lineup at Woody’s is going to make this work.  I spent far too many years trying to convince a partner or two to treat me better, instead of just saying---“You don’t treat me well, I can do better—goodbye”

Repeat after me…it’s okay to break up.  The whole point of dating is to search through the crowds until you find someone that meshes with you. Why waste time trying to mesh with a non-mesher.  A relationship takes work you have to be able to talk about your feelings and to be able to listen to theirs.  But overall, it should be easy.

If you have to bend over backwards to make them happy, do things you don’t want to do, beg them to hear you or find that you’re walking on eggshells all the time…that is just too much work.

If you are always screaming and fighting and trying to run each other down with your cars, that is a bad sign.  The intensity of your fights does not equal the intensity of your love.

Why are we so terrified of ending something that is not working?  Why hate each other for 4, 14, maybe 40 years instead of letting go while we still like each other? You are not wrong, he is not wrong…neither of you are bad people, just a bad match…and that’s okay.

Now I am not for a second suggesting we dump people willy-nilly just because they don’t share your taste in music.  (Mind you, if I meet a girl who doesn’t think the Carol Burnett show is funny, that’s a deal breaker!)
It’s good to have a partner who challenges you and calls you on your shit. Relationships like that expand your horizons and foster positive changes…what I am saying is that if you do in fact want to find that special person with whom you can be happy with for a long, long time… dump the asshole you are with now!

Keep your eyes open, take a mental inventory and watch for red flags. One little flag or two is a part of life but if the flag keeps flapping in your face, in your heart, in your mind and in your bedroom…he or she is NOT the one.