fabulous weight loss program

It didn't seem that long ago I was booking my apartment last January for the Rome IAS Conference. The international AIDS conference took place mid-July.  Now it's September. Where did the time go?

I can tell you that I was on this fabulous weight loss program. It's based on my "Playa Los Muetros" regime where one flies to Puerto Vallarta, grabs a couple tacos off a local stand, and washes them down with a nice tall glass of tap water.  I guarantee that you will be thin and gorgeous in no time. For those who are cost conscientious, there is a do it at home kit.

Here's the recipe:

-1 package of El Paso Taco mix, or discount brand. (doesn't really matter if they are soft tacos or hard ones)
-1 Tomato
-2 cups lettuce cut up
-1container of sour cream
- 500 grams of hamburger meat left out on the counter for about 36 hours,(72 for best results).

Follow package directions and make sure to undercook the hamburger.*

In no time you too will shedding the pounds.

My recent weight loss program, I'm calling the Roman Diet, really wasn't intentional. It's not the traditional one where you hang on a cross or anything like that. The Roman diet is the simplest of all. All I had to do was eat at nice restaurants, and daringly drink tap water for lack of bottled water one night.

I came home with enough souvenirs that in no time I was begging for June Allyson. I call  Flagyl the drug that makes time stand still as it is so toxic and noxious that a mere script for ten days feels like 45.

As they say no pain, no gain. With a diet of Boost and Ensure only for the first week, and small snacks for the second and third (as the week after stopping is still hell) I felt my jeans slipping down to my hips and belts becoming too large.

Thinning down is always a great excuse to go shopping, and increased motivation to keep it off. Time to get back to the gym and stop all those Sara Lee cheese cakes, which I call the crack cocaine of cheesecakes as they are found at almost any corner store for about 5 bucks.

At one point I was so into them I started to feel a sense of shame walking into the Little Bee Supermarket for the third time in one week. "Please don't be the same clerk from the last time!" I'd pray. It's never a good sign if one starts moving to different stores due to the potential of a public shaming.

This diet is more expensive than the Mexican one, so revert to the above recipe in a pinch.

I had a lot of time on my hands during these couple of weeks. Fortunately I was able to reconnect with some of my favourite shows. I was able to combine my most favourite two activities into one: losing weight and reality tv shows.

September is not the fall if without the season premiers of such classics as The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and new shows such as Mob Wives. Admitting that I like to watch Toddlers and Tiaras always makes me feel Like a pedophile. Nonetheless it is a guilty pleasure. I'm getting pretty good at guessing which scenes will make it onto the show The Soup.

My favourite moment for a few shows ago was a mother and 4-year old daughter playing and the girl says to her mother, "I've got a secret…." So mom moves over to her so she can whisper in her ear, "I don't like you." The look on the mother was priceless and forever recorded for posterity. I head there is some controversy over a 3-year-old's talent portion dressed up as Julia Roberts in Pretty Women. What's the fuss?

Not so much a reality show than a gay sport's show is Fashion Police hosted by Joan Rivers and her crew. What comes out of Joan's mouth is always shocking to all, including her co-hosts. The show basically looks at different celebrity "looks" for critic, including some fun moments such as "Bitch you stole my look!" and "Streetwalker or Starlet".

I cannot close without leaving a few quotes that I found so great. Joan Rivers on:

Dina from Jersey Shore: I thought Irene was the only nasty thing blowing it's why through New Jersey.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z and their announcing of pregnancy: This I think is the first time Jay-Z found out he was a father from a doctor instead of a lawyer.

Sara Jessica Parker wearing a red riding hood inspired gown: I haven't seen this much blood since Aretha Franklin's last period.

Does it make me a bad person that these kinds of jokes actually make me laugh out loud?

*BTW this is a joke, if you actually do this, don't come "running" to me about it, consult you doctor.