Two days of butter with Barbra

9 Jan 2024 -


Easily the highlight of my year has been the Barbra Streisand audiobook. The print version, called My Name Is Barbra (like both her fifth album and her first TV special - she must like that title), runs over 900 pages, and while your jaw continues to rest on the floor I must tell you that the audio book runs exactly 2 days and fifteen minutes long. And all of it like butter. Funny Girl and Funny Lady! Stoney End! Barbra Streisand and Other Musical Instruments! The Way We Were! All that Trudeau shit and the Trump bashing! I mean, wow! What a life story.

As a gay teenager it was impossible not to want to do a Barbra impersonation. She was a source of strength. She’s also always been a bit of a joke, with the big nose and the Yiddish phrases and the long fingernails and the fast talking but then there’s that singing voice, something that soars high above the rest of us, and she can almost always give you goosebumps. She is really Jewish, a staunch Democrat and a huge diva who enjoyed an unbelievable run of hits in the '60s, '70s, '80s and '90s. She has won Oscars and Grammys and just about everything else and she has had romantic liaisons with so many handsome men that this audio book couldn’t be anything short of perfection. I must credit Serafin LaRiviere for going on and on about it at a Christmas party, but it truly was the best recommendation anyone has given me in decades. 

Favourite part? Impossible to choose. Could it have been the epic chapter detailing her mad negotiations with Larry Kramer over The Normal Heart? (That Larry is so crazy and demanding!) Or the epic chapter detailing the era where she and then-boyfriend Jon Peters created A Star Is Born? (Peters, a hair dresser turned movie producer, caused lots of shit and took lots of credit, but there’s no denying that the movie turned out great.) Or the epic chapter about the Broadway run of Funny Girl? (Sidney Chaplin, son of Charlie, was the jealous co-star who tried to sabotage her during the performance.) Or her endless efforts to bring Yentl to the screen? (Everybody said ‘Barbra, you’re nuts to be making this fakakta movie’.) Or her relationship with her gay son Jason? (He too has a lovely singing voice, apparently.) Trust me, every word is absolutely gloriously over the fucking top. It’s not just the best audio book ever, it’s the best thing ever. 

Barbra always gave me a boner from when I was a kid, so if there is anything on earth I would recommend to fans of musical theatre it would be this audiobook. As I said, it is literally two days long, yet she never gets tired of talking and I never got tired of listening. She shows her human side throughout and despite the humble brags she really is an indisputable legend. So, are you really going to look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t have a mere 48 hours to give to this most glorious of goddesses? Oy vey!